Purloined Pork and Stolen Steaks

The long arm of the law snagged polka king Frankie Yankovic on July 25, 1983. (Why does the law always have a long arm? I've seen short cops.) He was apprehended by an assistant store manager with a steak and a pound of bacon in his pants as he left the Lake Shore Super Foods in Euclid, Ohio. Yankovic paid for his other groceries—you know, the part that wasn't in his pants—and police reported he had $900 when arrested.

You have to wonder. Bacon and steak are cold. Being a man myself—despite my wife's occasional claims to the contrary—I don't think I'd like cold meat down there, if you know what I mean.

More recently, two sisters were arrested on Dec. 21, 2011 at the Fiesta Mart in Fort Worth, Tex., for removing the price sticker from a pork roast, placing it on a larger roast and attempting to purchase it. 70-year-old Carmen Bautista and her kid sister, 60-year-old Francisca, were charged with a misdemeanor for fraudulent destruction, removal or concealment of writing. Merry Christmas!

I have to tell you, Carmen looks none too happy in the mugshot on the Fox 4 KDFW website. I wonder how she'd look if she had a steak and a pound of bacon in her pants.

Elsewhere in Texas, Mario Reynoso and Angela Viscaino were arrested on Dec. 17 for walking out of an Alberstons supermarket in El Paso with over $80 worth of meat. Police arrested the pair, who had sped from the scene in a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am that had been reported stolen on Dec. 10.

Here's how I see this one. If you're going to risk arrest, you might as well steal something commensurate with the punishment for the crime, or perhaps steal prepared food, so you can eat the evidence if apprehended.

I'm not familiar with Albertsons prepared food. It's possible that it's not worth stealing, although they have really yummy photos of deli party trays and roasted turkey breast on the ShopLocal website, and they get great reviews for their fried chicken and tri-tip sandwiches on Yelp. “I'm not sure if they have daily deals, but I know that Monday they have a chicken dinner deal that is really cheap,” says David C. of Lancaster, Cal.

Cheap chicken dinner, killer tri-tip sandwich ... what's not to like?

Over in Austin—what is it with Texas and meat theft?—police raided three restaurants back in July for allegedly serving meat that had been stolen. The local government shut down all three establishments as public health threats.

This was the culmination of Operation Meat Locker, which started when police learned of large-scale meat theft from H-E-B supermarkets by individuals who then sold the meat to restaurants. Undercover cops—hey, I'm not making this up—tried to sell meat to some 25 stores, and only three—Sam's BBQ, La Morenita and Willie's BBQ—took them up on it.

At least the buyers kept it out of their pants, so to speak.

That wasn't the case in Naples, Fla., where UPI reports that Dannial Ashley was apprehended in early December, 2011, after stuffing four steaks and some candles in his pants at a grocery store and departing the premises. Police arrested him and returned the goods to the store, says The Huffington Post. Let's hope the steaks weren't sold to someone else.

In April the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture warned Americans to expect 6- to 7-percent increases in meat prices in 2011, and the United Nations predicted price hikes of as much as 30 percent in the coming decade, according to the GOOD website. GOOD encourages a vegetarian diet, or at least consuming less meat, pointing out that a pound of dry black beans costs just a couple bucks and contains about 110 grams of protein.

Who knows? If diets continue to change, there might someday be a rash of bean theft. At least a bag of beans won't chill your private parts, although with all those items passing through, I'm not sure how private they are.

Make Your Own Food at Home: People used to cook their own food. Really. You can do it too, with a quick visit to the grocery store's frozen section. See, cooking is easy!