The World Will End in December 2012. Or Maybe Not.

ABC News has reported that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012. At least that's what will happen if predictions based on the ancient Mayan calendar come true. There is no word about the exact time of the apocalypse. This is important because I need to know if I should shop for dinner that day.

The Mayans lived in Central America, and their heyday occurred in the period 300 A.D. to 900 A.D. This advanced civilization devised a linear calendar whose time will run out on Dec. 21, 2012.

You might wonder how such an advanced civilization could follow a calendar that just ends all of a sudden. I mean, that's really not good planning. Nevertheless, this technique could prove quite useful. For example, if you're dreading a job interview next Tuesday, just draw up a calendar that ends a few minutes before, which will also save you cab fare.

Various authorities have explained that the Mayans didn't mean the world will end along with their calendar. But there's no reason to refute anyone. Think about it. If somebody starts shouting that you have a third ear, do you have to dispel that notion? Of course not, because the person's utterance has no basis in fact.

If the sole evidence of the impending apocalypse is the assertion of an ancient people, then why does anyone believe that this will occur? Don't they have something else to do? Frankly, if I really believed it, or at least I believed that others truly did, I'd be angling for ways to turn my knowledge into cash. It would be wasted effort if the world really did end, but if it didn't, then I could be swimming in long green. I have to believe that a lot of folks would be prepared to party till the cows come home right before the apocalypse. And those who opted to stay in would still be open to food delivery and pay-per-view events.

Nostradamus seems to raise his head whenever there's talk of the apocalypse. Nostradamus lived in 16th-century France, according to the “December 2012: The End of the World” website, which, by the way, displays a convenient countdown calendar to the fateful day, counting down each precious second.

Nostradamus was some sort of pharmacist, although you couldn't find a CVS to save your life in those days. I have never received a prediction from a pharmacist, although my dentist did accurately predict that I would need a root canal. At any rate, Nostradamus made a midlife career change and started to issue psychic advice. Nostradamus is said to have accurately predicted all manner of goings on, including World War II. Way to go!

Nostradamus predicted that a massive comet would strike or pass near the Earth, causing massive cataclysm and destruction, assuming the dire predictions of Al Gore and the climate scientists don't come true between now and December 2012. Frankly, I would sooner believe Nostradamus after reading about the Climategate emails. Of course, Nostradamus never made a movie as Al Gore did, and if it's in a movie, it must be true.

Astronomer David Darling points out in New Scientist that we indeed are doomed. It's just a matter of time. In a billion years, he says, the Sun will have brightened and swollen, which will start the oceans evaporating. In another billion years, there will be no water on the planet. I can't wait to see how much a gallon of spring water will fetch in the year 2000002047.

There is always a small chance, says Darling, that a huge meteoroid or a chunk of a comet will collide with the Earth, as occurred in 1908 in Siberia. These events occur extremely rarely, but that's just an average. It could suddenly happen twice in one week. Think of the disastrous consequences of a meteoroid strike on New York City. On the plus side, it might take out Washington, DC.

I'm feeling better already.

The National Post reported that an asteroid passed near the planet in January 2012. Named 2012 BX34—catchy name, I know—this piece of space rubble measured 37 feet across and passed within 60,000 kilometers (37,300 miles) of the Earth. You can consider this to be sort of like interplanetary target practice. The moon orbits at about six times this distance from the Earth.

Darling has written a book with Dr. Dirk Schulze-Makuch, called Megacatastrophes!: Nine Strange Ways The World Could End. It will be published in April 2012, if we still have a planet.

One way to evaluate a theory is to determine whether credible people endorse it. December202012.com (“The Official Website”) allays my suspicions with a list of “Celebrity Believers” that includes Montel Williams, Canibus, Lil' Wayne, Jesse Ventura and Britney Spears. Say no more. I'm a believer!

I hope you enjoy your last year on the planet. Perhaps I'll see you at an apocalypse party. I'll be the guy selling the pizzas.

The Washington Post reported on May 10, 2012, that archaeologists had discovered new Mayan artifacts, including a calendar that extends far into the future, in Guatemala. It pains me to admit that Montel and Lil' Wayne apparently were wrong. You can't trust anyone these days.

A Year-Long Super Bowl, or What's a Few Leap Seconds Between Friends?: The Earth's rotation is slowing gradually. Eventually this will result in the Super Bowl taking up the entire year. Buy extra wings.

Your Questions Answered: People ask stupid questions. I have stupid answers. A person who answers stupid questions never runs out of material.

Hollywood News Roundup: Hollywood stars are so elegant and sophisticated that I can hardly stand it. I ignored Hollywood news before, and I'm sorry I did. I'm going to stop doing interesting things and pay more attention to their shenanigans.